That's when you crack a 10am beer
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
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The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
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It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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