Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
