Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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