Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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