you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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