Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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