she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
