mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
