Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
