I cannot find my penis.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
