I'll bet she douches with gravy.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
