you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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