Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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