i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
