so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
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im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
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Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.