I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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