I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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