It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
