A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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