My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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