porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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