after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
