turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
