I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
