Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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