Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So here I am, sexting at work.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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