im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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