Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
