im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
