I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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