i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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