I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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