??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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