Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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