You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
