Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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