My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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