A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
