i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
