my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
