he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
