sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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