Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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