when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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