last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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