U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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