Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
