I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
