Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
