i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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