if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
