Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
