I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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