Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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