Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
