I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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