we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
