I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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